The Sick Wife by Lost Loretta

Author:Lost, Loretta
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2021-05-13T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 28

There seems to be no way that I can help one woman without hurting another.

I’m starting to realize this, and I just feel stuck—everything I try to do causes pain. So I have stopped doing much of anything. I can’t seem to work. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been drinking a lot. Every time I talk to Camilla, it’s not fun and happy anymore. She’s angry and far away. I can feel that she no longer trusts me. I can feel her giving up and pulling away, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I drink myself to sleep sometimes, so I don’t have to think about it. Sometimes I feel like I have to shut Camilla out of my mind in order to function. In order to keep living my life. It’s too painful to remember her, and to remember how happy we were a few short weeks ago. I can’t manage living like this, faking things with Evie while my heart is stuck somewhere on the other side of the planet. I feel sick about it.

There’s nothing I can do to make it better. I’m so tired of sneaking away to text Camilla like a teenager hiding from his parents. I hate that I’m constantly disappointing her, and making her question us. I hate that I’m the major source of her pain, and I’m starting to feel like I need to push her away or end things in order for us to both be okay. It’s just not sustainable to be stuck in this relationship halfway. Not even halfway…

It’s like we dipped our toes or feet into paradise, but have all these heavy chains anchoring our whole bodies to dry land, to reality… and we can never seem to find the strength or bravery to just dive in. I wish I could dive in, let go of my chains, and just start to do the things we dreamed about. All the things we planned for and spoke about every day. We created such a beautiful idea of a future that I can never seem to completely let go.

I still think about Sunday Delacroix, and sometimes I even dream about her. I dream about holding that tiny little baby in my arms, for the very first time. Her little fingers wrapping around mine. “Milla, she’s perfect,” I would say. I can imagine her tired smile, the same way she always smiled at me on video call. Sparkling eyes, creases beside her mouth… just melting my heart. Just pure happiness. “I love you, Milla,” I would whisper, while kissing her forehead.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

I blink.

Fuck. I fell asleep. Drunk and out of my mind—beside Yvette. Fuck! What did I say? She must realize that I am clueless from the look on my face.

“You were calling for Milla,” Yvette says slowly. She hits my arm and shoves me away. “My nurse Camilla? Fuck you, Gabriel! Really?”

I am too dazed and drunken to really make sense of what is happening.

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